Lifeboat Ethics

Girl 1: "She is so hot!"
Girl 2: "Yeah, I want to bang her!"
Guy: "Huh?"

What does that mean? I asked T-Bone today, "What exactly does it mean when a girl says 'I want to bang her,' like, what does that girl have in mind?" T-Bone was mostly ambiguous but eventually explained that the difference comes down to "to fuck" and "to make sweet sweet love." To fuck is to have a lusty experience sans feelings, and the latter is to have a lusty experience with feelings.

My question only slightly clarified, I still wondered what a lusty experience would entail for lesbians. The word bang, to me, implies a quicky, but obviously, women do not have penises. An orgasm would have to be induced using fingers, tongues, dildos, etc. All of which do not seem to fall under the category of bang. The experience itself would evolve into one with feelings simply due to the lengthiness and concentration involved. Can girls really go have a quicky in the closet? What do they whip out?

Josh propositioned me today to have a threesome with Rie and Misa. In exchange for said threesome, he would become my campaign manager to be the ruler of the world. It seems like a good offer, there's only one problem, Rie and Misa. Rie wants Misa and Misa wants Rie, but get them together, I won't get to play too! Our "threesome" would be voyeuristic lesbian adventure.

I doubt we'll ever get to the VLA however. The essence of many of the bi-curious girls in the grade is that they are simply curious. They just talk big. For kicks, I played the scene over in my mind (not the way you think), and decided it wasn't to be. Misa may be a sexual symbol to many of the girls because you can see her hip bones, but that's just not very sexy. Plus, the awkward factor would outweigh any fun that my be had, although it would basically just be the girls going at it.

One girl should be enough.

...For now....

So, the children at school are fighting over a few harsh words. I find the situation rather amusing, given I'm not part of it. To sum the whole thing up, people just talk a lot behind each others backs, be it by blogging or by breaking confidence. To say no one is to blame for the situation would be a lie, everyone is to blame. Everyone hurt just needs to get over themselves, PEOPLE TALK. Who cares?

Countless people have said shit about me, if they don't say it to my face, they obviously don't care that much. I find the most amusing approach to rectifying said situation is to spread the seads of deceit back into the mob. I've actually been doing this since ninth grade. Over the course of my high school career I've been lying to different people and planting information. The key to coming out on top is to know whom to tell what. For example, if you have a secret that you want to get out, tell "Blondie". And if you have a problem that can only be solved by a large group of people, give the situation to T-Bone. However, you cannot directly tell T-Bone, the information must come from a second party that is unaware of his or her niche. There are various other techniques, but I won't get into them now, all I really need to say is: and look at me now.

Consequences shmonsequences, life is pain, drama just makes it more amusing.

To any that were offended: I'm sorry that you are too easily offended.

"[1.7.01] This is the first entry of my thought journal, whenever I think of something I want to remember, I'll put it in here. Grandia II is very depressing. For some reason, the way the world was doomed seemed to relate with me somehow. Though I knew that in the game actually it wasn't, just the way everything turned out terribly. I don't really like my life. I mean, it's enjoyable, but not full. I feel as though everyone else is on this huge secret and I'm not. Besides that, actually it's not that bad. everyone says I'm a loser because I have so few friends, but actually it's okay. I don't need that many. I can always converse with myself like this. Even though people do fun things with their friends, I'm not missing out. I can do plenty of "loserish" things that satisfy me just as well. The one thing I do miss out on is conversation. Not the stupid kind that has no meaning, But intelligent conversation. Like the one me and David (family friend) had. The conversation itself excited me and made me think. When we combined our ideas together we came up with good conclusions.

That would be a nice quality in a girlfriend. Someone I can just talk to and not have to get sexual. talking is probably my favorite hobby because I can express my ideas and take in others to modify my own. I consider it a hobby because I enjoy it and it is fundamental inmaking up for my lack of other hobbies.

[1.8.01] Relationships are weird. They can increase or decrease your social status. I can't believe the way Emma treats them, she can be friends with people just for the social benefits. She said that if she weren't friends with ___, the whole grade would be screwed up. That's just selfish. She thinks it revolves around her.

As a thirteen year old kid, my mind is not fully expanded. Yet, I cannot imagine myself any wiser. All I have left to learn is experience, and that doesn't make me any more susceptible to additional information.

When I think of the year I think of a circle, and twelve sections on it, each with notches to signify the days of the month. When someone tells me a date, inside my mind I form a picture of the circle and zoom into that day.

I don't like what my mom said about art. I don't think credit should be given to those who don't deserve it. When people have their praintings praised, it should be for what people meant. Also, those picasso art types, they're not very artful. A baby could make them easily by just gluing random pieces of paper together. If the artist can explain the painting and have it match people's ideas, that is art.

The way people treat me is different, either now they respect me, or are making fun of my by pretending to. I have excuses back up if the bad truth comes out. But for now, I can use this advanced social status to my benefit. This seems pretty cold, but my solo life is getting boring. The idea of having girls think of me in that way is exciting, it's been a while since I was last flirted with.

[1.9.01] Time is a strange thing. I have thought about time travel and how it works but I have come to the conclusino that if you want to go to either the future or past, you can never return. The only way for you to go to the future is if you stay there because by returning you will change what is to come, so therefore you would not have gone to the future at all. Only a may happen, not a will happen. and by going into the past your whole life is erased, as well as your present. In that way, you become a watcher. If you change the past it will not effect you because you do not exist. By returning to a changed present you are not actually returning to your own, but a totally different one, and you are no longer in the time cycle. A way to return to the present from the future would be calling it going to the past. But in that way that future which had become your present is erased, so there is no guarantee it will happen at all. Another thought is that going into the past is impossible because it is like returning to the present from the future, everything from your time to that day in the past is erased.

Many people say they love each other when they go out, but a couple months later, they're broken up and they don't love each other anymore. That isn't love. And love isn't obsession. Love is when there is a person that when you think about makes you feel good inside, someone with whom you can confide everything to and usually don't need to because ther person, if they love you, can understand you well enough just by your eyes. Love is also a two person thing. If one person "love" someone, but that person hates them, that is not love, it is more like obsession. Love is also when neither person could possibly be angry at the other, love i most importantly when you can just sit with someone and admire, without words. Also when someone can't say it as easly as the next, it is a good thing. It means that they want to know for sure that that person is the one. You can only love one person in your life time, and by saying it to the wrong person you are lying. That's why if someone says it to everyone, they mihgt not ever know true love.

[1.12.01] If believe that there is a third number system, reasons behind this are because something must lead to negative numbers when squared, or in turn, they are imaginary. Also, since graphs are oriented in two dimersions, this third would allow us to have a three dimensional graph. It could be the z, actually, it probably wouldn't because graphs aren't organized in as negative and positive numbers, they are two positives. Maybe my number system would be within zero. They would then make a graph three dimensional. The problem is, I cannot comprehend numbers within zero. Maybe there should be no zero. It is just emptiness, why should there be any space between negative and positive, shouldn't there be something there?"

[4.8.05] I don't know what to think...

Today, the school was informed the Margeaux would become the new student dean. I think she is the best choice for such a post, but am as opposed to the existence of the position as I am to affinity groups. The very problem that having a dean of students attempts to fix will be accentuated by it. Per Quaker tradition, each teacher and each student is part of a whole welcoming community with no go betweens. There is no such thing as student interest since the interests of the community include those of each division and individual. Providing a link for students to address their problems to only creates a sense of unfairness that did not actually exist before. Secondly, creating a dean of students to protect interest groups simply says that students were treated unfairly before, which I don't agree with. The teacher's did work to create a fair LEARNING environment and students prospered. The only result I forsee of the change is increased laziness on both the parts of the students and non dean teachers to fix whatever small nuances exist.

In HUR we talked about social commentary expressed through music. John Lennon's mention of the non-existence of religion as a positive step towards a better community in his song "Imagine" made me smile. I have long been against religion. By birth or ancestry or whatever, I am Christian. I celebrate Christian holidays, but like both of my parents, don't even bother paying lip service to a God we see as non-existent. To me, religion is the weak person's escape from the harshness of life. I can understand that many people are down and out and need something to hold on to, but they need to understand: There is no meaning to life, we are simply animals only good for fucking and eating, everything else is just a bonus of evolution. The individual is no more important to the universe than my ass crack.

I hope I room with a fundamentalist in college.

It's quite depressing to have to return to school after a nice two week break. Something happened near the end of those two weeks that made it especially hard. I believe the break may have been too long and thus I have grown accustomed to the time off and forgotten the normal routine. It seems as though during the break all of my routine was washed away, but now having to go back to school has recovered only my bad habits (procrastination, laziness, etc.) related to school. This cannot be a good thing. Fortunately, I consider myself objective enough to be able to cope with such an outcome and will come out on top so help me god. On the same line as what I posted earlier about not helping the needy, I require no help in this endeavor, and any in such a direction would force me to drop the effort altogether and give in to the vices of my personality. Starcraft is oh so fun.

I have lots of work to do, yet so many factors weigh against actually doing it. 1) I don't want to, 2) I'm a second semester senior, 3) I'm tired, 4) I got into college already, 5) I hate spanish and stats, 6) Homework is boring, 7) MEH, 8) Starcraft is lots of fun, 9) I don't want to. The only conclusion available from that is that clearly, it is in my best advantage not to write my spanish essay or do the stats AP. Yet, I'm going to do them anyway.

Setting up the internet on this computer / finding the website on the crappy iMac since it's not bookmarked at my dad's takes far too much effort that could be spent procrastinating, therefore, blogs will most likely be posted on a weekly basis henceforth.

If you help the needy, they'll never solve their own problems.

I don't actually believe in jynxing myself, but I did it today. I was stupid enough to be under the impression that a government office could run quickly and efficiently, namely, the DMV.
Although I had to run out and buy a pen from a street vender to fill out a sheet because the DMV does not provide writing utensils, I still forgave them because my number was called in a relatively timely fashion.
Afterwhich, I was put on a line to see the lady who would promptly tell me that I am too young to take the test to get my permit without parental consult.
As I waited for my father to come after I called him, I still forgave them for not having that bit of information posted anywhere because I should have known better.
When the trains finally started running my dad showed up to sign one thing (I should have forged his signature) before heading back to work, I was able to return to the timely DMV in order to take my test ten minutes before the testing area closed for the week.
That's where it all went to hell. After turning in my test and waiting for my score to be calibrated, I was given another fucking ticket. A092. The board with the ticket postings on it, however, refused to produce my number, let alone anything beginning with A. After about twenty minutes A074 was posted. SHOOT ME NOW! I knew I had a long wait for me then, as all the numbers beginning with A were given sequentially and very very slowly. After about an hour and fifteen minutes, I went to a desk only to have my application fucking stamped and a few red pen marks scrawled on.
The entire grueling experience took off about three hours of my day. Time I could have spent sleeping. To top if, I went into the wrong train station and was forced to take an absurd route home.
All in all, it was a good day. :)

I got into Brown, Duke, Emory, CMU, and Carleton, got rejected from Caltech, and haven't heard from Stanford or JHU. Once I got the applications in I mentally blocked myself from worrying about the possible outcomes. I would deal with any difficulties when, and if they came. But then as the first few letters started rolling in, the first of which was Caltech (bastards), I started to worry, would I go to college? The biggest fear of mine was that I would be stuck with my fucking abhorent safety, Tufts. Shoot myself! Ha! But, I FUCKING GOT INTO BROWN!
Heheh, I'm the man, despite that fact that, yea....
Blogs manage to solve everything, sweeet.